In the spirit of true accountability, I have a confession to make….
I just gave in to my craving for Wendy’s for lunch. Yes, it’s true. I do not crave fried food very often, but all of a sudden today, I really needed it. So, off I went to Wendy’s where I ate (and admittedly enjoyed) a spicy chicken sandwich (yep, it’s fried… and has mayo), a small order of fries and a diet coke. Triple whammy. I will give myself kudos, though, in that I didn’t scarf it down. I tried to be very present so I could soak up the experience of eating this “delicious” food. I hesitate to call it delicious since there isn’t a single nutritional property about the whole thing.
As I pulled out of the parking lot, though, I made a promise to myself. I will not beat myself up over this. I crave fast food rarely and this time, I gave in. I ate it. It’s over. It’s done. In my past. Typical me would sit here the rest of the day thinking about all of the calories and fat I just consumed and then beat up on myself continuously for making such a poor choice. Not today. It’s over.
I am going to spend a minute, though, reflecting on what got me to this point today since I started my day off feeling so healthy and incredibly motivated. I ate well for breakfast and morning snack. I packed a healthy lunch and was looking forward to it. Then something changed….
Around 11:00 (not long before lunch time!), I was walking down the hallway at work and became acutely aware of the fact that the woman I was passing was looking at my stomach (my body part that makes me so incredibly self-conscious… always has… especially not that I’ve had a baby). In reality, it’s quite possible that she was looking at my dress. However, I was (and kind of still am, to be honest) completely convinced she was eyeing up my stomach and thinking to herself “Is she pregnant or just fat?”. I tried to shake it off and tell myself I was just being paranoid. Then I passed someone else in the hall a short time later and had an exact repeat of the situation. Perhaps I am being incredibly self-conscious, but maybe they really were thinking that.
It’s at that moment that my motivation and focus changed. I’m realizing now that a trigger for me to eat unhealthily is to feel self-conscious, to feel fat, to feel like I’m still too far away from my goal weight that it doesn’t even matter if I eat horribly. What’s one more bad meal?
It sounds really sad, but believe me.. I do not intend for it to be. Instead, I intend for this to be my moment of clarity… my ah-ha moment in terms of recognizing triggers. Now I just need to figure out how to overcome this trigger. Next time I start feeling this way, I need to recognize it as a trigger. How do I turn it around? Any tips? What has worked for you?
I love you all for your support! Truly.